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Waldo Holds A Press Conference |
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April 12th, 2007 8:09am |
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Thank you all for coming today. In the interest of making this brief, I will get to the point: Your search is officially over. Stop looking for me. This whole “Where’s Waldo” thing has got to stop. I want to be left alone.
Sure, I was flattered at first. However, after years of hiding and being found, hiding and being found, again – again - again – it has to end. Put your search efforts to other things. I hear that Bin Laden guy is hiding. Find him.
I am afraid that society just hasn’t gotten my ever so un-subtle hints. Did you ever think that maybe there is a reason I keep leaving? Did you honestly think a man could get lost that many times? I’ve tried going to China. I’ve gone to space, back in time, and even to a world of nothing but other Waldos each with slightly different shirt stripes or other quirks in appearance, but yet you people still find me. So today, I am calling off the search. It’s over. Here I am. Stop looking.
(Takes question from reporter in back)
Yes, I guess I should’ve changed clothes once in a while. Perhaps that would have increased my chances of not being discovered. I will write that down. Good thinking. Point taken. Next question…
(Reporter in front asks Waldo a question)
What’s next for me? If I told you that’d pretty much ruin my whole hiding in secrecy thing wouldn’t it? My guess is somewhere secluded. I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?
My whole existence people have been pointing at me and yelling at me and circling me with markers. Simply put: it’s not fun. I’d like to settle down and maybe write a book.
(Woman in middle aisle speaks up)
No, I will not be hiding in my book. That doesn’t even make any sense. There will be no pictures. I’m writing a memoir. It’s a travel memoir through which I talk about my exploits and adventures and the crimes that forced me to go into hiding in the first place.
(At this point Waldo’s lawyer steps up to the microphone insisting that the last remark was a joke his client made out of stress from being “looked for too much”. He then turns the microphone back over to Waldo.)
In closing I’d like to state that I honestly do appreciate everyone’s concern in searching for me all these years. I’m happy to finally have this opportunity to communicate to everyone my desires. The search is officially over. Thank you.
(Waldo exits conference room amid flood of photographers and reporters. Once outside a small child points and says, “There he is! I founded him!” Tears of despair stream down Waldo's face and onto his striped red shirt.)
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