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My Ungiven Graduation Speech |
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May 1st, 2006 11:37am |
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It’s May and graduation is in the air! Can you smell it? The smell of robes, mortarboard caps, and diplomas fills our high school gymnasiums, gymnatoriums, gymnacafetoriums, and collective hearts. It’s a special time in the lives of our young people and I quite vividly remember my high school graduation and the pain and disappointment that came with it.
Traditionally the Valedictorian and the Salutatorian, (the students at the top of the class), give commencement speeches. As 42nd in my class, I had prepared a speech just in case one of the top students fell ill or one of the forty other students in my class got cold feet or had not prepared a speech. The speech, much like J.F.K’s speech to the Trade Mart in Dallas 1963, was never given.
Today I would like to share with you the commencement address I didn’t get to give at my high school graduation.
Thank you Mr. Principal. (smile with confidence) Students (head nod toward students), faculty (head nod toward teachers), staff (head nod/eye brow raise toward staff) , family (emote a teary ‘emotional’ voice), friends (give power fist to graduating class), and guy in the back with the poster board sign (pause for laughter). We are at the dawn of a new era. We are standing at the gates of a new land and that land is plentiful and ripe for harvest. We are the most important class in the world. The rest of the world’s timeline will be divided into the time before we graduated and the time after we graduated.
(quietly yet forcefully) Let us not forget this simple truth: The class of 1999 will not be forgotten. The plaque we raised money for will be put on the water fountain outside of the gymnatorioum and will forever stand as a testament to who we were and what we did during our time here.
I will cherish our memories together forever.
To Vanessa Gandelman, I shall never forget the time you almost went to the dance with me, but caught Lou Gehrig’s Disease at the last minute and had to go with somebody else. To John Faresth who stole my Capri Sun drinks everyday and punched me every other day of our Junior Year, yet had the mercy to never leave any permanent scars, (at least physically), I thank you. I will also cherish that great teacher, Mr. Thorpe, who inspired me to succeed at being mediocre. You showed me how to pass Physics without knowing anything . . . and I applaud you. Thank you to Eko Han for purposefully setting the curve so low. You’re an inspiration. (give Eko a power fist/head nod combo) And again to Vanessa Gandelman, I hate to harp on this, but are you sure Lou Gehrig’s Disease can be cured with over the counter medicines? And why would taking John Faresth to the dance instead of me help things? My asthma would not complicate things, would it?
I’d like to send a special “shout out” to the fifth prettiest girl in school, Misty Valmirez. I know we never talked, but I feel like we’ve connected. You know, like Freddie Prinze Jr. and that girl in ‘She’s All That’. If you haven’t seen it – perhaps we could rent it? (Note to self: remember to rent “She’s All That” before ceremony – is it even out on video yet? Do research.)
Our collective futures are bright! (speak loudly with feeling and the enthusiasm of a car salesman who is on fire and/or about to explode) The future is now! Well, actually this is the present – but the moment – “now” is exciting and we “the class of 1999” are going to do amazing things! And by amazing things I mean this: (pull out poster board charts and graphs) I do realize that more than 40% of you will go on to drop out of college and work retail the rest of your lives.
But there is hope. Yes, another vast and large percentage of us will go on to college, earn respectable degrees, and then go on to work retail. (pause for applause . . I like the sound of that . .. possible album title?)
Along the path of life we will gain wisdom, experience, and lots of weight. But a poet once wrote:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I choose the one less traveled.
That road was filled with briars, weeds, cobwebs, and downed trees.
Oh my goodness, I’ve got scratches and bruises, These are my new pants..
Thanks a lot – ROBERT FROST!
(close eyes as if deep in thought and in sincere reverence for the moment… maybe cry?)
Class of 99, the time is NOW. Let us enter this new dawn of our lives with spirit and vigor. Rise with the sun! No day but today! Carpe Diem! Let’s stay up late and eat pie! (Need to look up more cliches) Thank you and God Bless.
(Close with song: possibly Sara McLachlan?)
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