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Lies I Told In My Memoir |
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April 24th, 2006 11:35am |
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It seems that ever since the controversy surrounding James Frey's A Million Little Pieces and the stir it caused with her highness Oprah after the discovery that much of it's content was "less than true", it's been incredibly hard for authors, such as myself, to get their memoirs published. One bad apple has truly spoiled it for a whole bunch. The lesson: never make Oprah angry. That is why I have ceased produciton on my musical, "Oprah-homa".
I will, however, be the first to admit that I was "less than truthful" in the original manuscript of my memoirs. Some parts of the memoir are truthier than others. I admit, I did not attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry during the school years 1994-1999 as documented in the book. I also did not defeat any nameless arch villians or ride on a magic train. I did, however, attend a small school in a small country town in west Tennessee during the school years 1994-1999, was beat up by a nameless football player, and rode in a 1991 Pontiac Grand Prix. These were embellishments on my part.
Let it also be known that in my memoir I speak of sitting alone in my room for hours upon hours playing Mega Man 4. This statement is, in fact, true. That really happened, though there are no documents in known existence to prove it's legitimacy. Unfortunately the sentence goes on to say, "I sat alone in my room for hours upon hours playing Mega Man 4 . . . . using only my mind. That is, sadly, false.
Other 'embellished truths": On page 54 I claim to have been the inspiration for the film 'Gladiator. This is untrue. In Chapter 33 I claim to have payed "too much" for a muffler. That is also untrue. Meineke is a wonderful business and very fair in their prices. I have never performed open heart surgery on a kitten. What I meant to say was, "I like cats". (typo) I have never been to Meineke or used it's car or muffler services. I did not meet Billy Joel one time at a Waffle House. I have never purposefully hunted, killed, or eaten known communists. I am not responsible for any events in Waco, Texas. I was never married to Brooke Shields.
My third child's name is not Chef Boyardee. I have no children. I do not know how to spell the month Febuarry. I have never accidentally dated a raccoon. The 'Hot Pockets' Incident as documented in Chapter 17 is mostly true, though I did not die. I have never riden two unicorns at once. I have never beaten and killed a unicorn with it's own horn. My tears do not hold any healing or medicinal purposes.I do not eat all of my meals solely on Franklin Mint Commemorative Plates.
I do not own any Franklin Mint Commemorative Plates. Chattanooga, TN has not changed it's name to Bradanooga, TN, nor have they ever "considered it". I have never had a lengthy conversation with a sandwich as documented in Chaper 11. I had nothing to do with Vin Diesel's rise to fame, though I did see "The Fast and The Furious" - however that is not documented in the memoir. I never made my gym teacher cry - it was the other way around.
Contrary to page 164 paragraph 3 - I do love those dancing raisins. I have not been to the moon. The chapter entitled "I Was A Hobo's Coffee Table" was supposed to be entitled "I Went To Target To Look At Coffee Tables, But Couldn't Find Any So I Looked At DVDs Instead".;
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