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Why The View Continues To Be My Least Favorite Show |
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February 6th, 2006 11:32am |
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Beginning in March, I will have a monthly column in a local paper known as 'The City News'. It's a pretty cool opportunity for me and I'm looking forward to it. Tell your friends, your friend's friends, and your dental hygienist! Brad's in print!
Thought I'd give you guys a sneak peak at the rough draft for this month's column:
    
Why ‘The View’ Continues To Be My Least Favorite Show
By Brad Montague
A few years ago, the wise executives at ABC decided that television’s morning line-up was missing something. They decided that television just wasn’t obnoxious enough. Daytime television was in dire need of a show where six women talked over one another, each one trying to get her voice heard in a loud high pitched fashion. They needed a show that did important things: like give makeovers and interview ‘sort-of celebrities’. Daytime television needed a show that took all the credibility Barbara Walters once had, erased it, demolished it, and fed it to Star Jones. The show they came up with was and is ‘The View’.
Many people come up to me everyday asking, “Brad, when are you going to express your views on ‘The View’ in a local monthly circulation newspaper?” Well, today is that day! I’ve decided to compile my thoughts and use this platform to explain why ‘The View” continues to be my least favorite show. Consider this an open letter to the cast and crew. (I know you guys read this!!!)
Reason Number One: It Perpetuates the Myth That All Women Are Mentally Deficient
There are many things I do not know, but one thing Brad Montague does know? Women. Believe me. I know a few of them. My mother and my wife? Both women. The lady next door? Woman. The lady at the gas station? Kind of a woman.
Believe me. I know women.
Many of you may have heard otherwise, but let me assure you – all women are not retarded. This is an urban myth that is perpetuated by ‘The View’. Just watch for a few seconds and you’ll understand why people would think such an absurd thought. You’ll see audience members speaking nonsense, girating excessively, and slamming ice cream cones into their foreheads. Listen as the hosts of the show begin the program, each screaming, “I have an opinion!”, “This is important!”, ““I need attention 24 hours a day!”. It’s sad to see women like this representing women.
Reason Number Two: Aliens Should Not Be Allowed On TV
I once had a hypothesis: Star Jones is an alien. That theory has now been upgraded to total 100% fact. Believe me. I know aliens. E.T.? Alien. John Tesh? Alien. The lady at the gas station? Kind of an alien.
Believe me. I know aliens.
How else do you explain her rapid weight loss? She lost a ginormous amount of pounds, but unfortunately the rest of her body did not tell her head. Look at it. That is an alien head. I am not being cruel. Just speaking the facts. It’s my duty as a columnist at this reputable media outlet.
How else do you explain her being a ‘lawyer’? Sure you were a lawyer, STAR. Which brings me to the name: Star. Alien name if I ever heard one. Nice try Ms. Jones, but I’m not getting caught in your web of intergalactic lies. I’m a man of truth. I’m a man of the press. We shouldn’t give our Earth jobs to people from other planets. That’s alls I’m saying. You gotta take care of your own. Buy USA. American Pride. Git-r-done.
Reason Number Three: I Can’t NOT Watch It
It’s time to get real. Let me admit to you, my reader, that as I write this, I’m looking in the mirror. This explains the excessive typographical errors. Looking in this mirror also forces me to look into my heart. Perhaps my strongest reason for disliking ‘The View’ is because I hate myself for liking it so much. You’re saying, “Brad! That last sentence was a total paradox!” Watch your language.
So, maybe I am a bit contradictory. Forgive me – because I cannot forgive myself. I watch the show. There, I said it. I admit. I watch ‘The View’. A lot. But I don’t buy any of “The View” merchandise. “But Brad, there isn’t any View merchandise.” Valid point. I retort, “Even though it doesn’t exist, I haven’t bought any of it.” Face. You just got served. I rule.
Can you blame me? The show is like a car accident that you cannot look away from no matter how hard you try. It’s a car accident you can count on happening from 10:00 – 11:00 every morning to pick you up and send you off to start your day. Yes, I always look at the car accident and I always hum that car accident’s wretched theme song.
The bottom line: I hate this show because I hate myself. I need therapy.
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